Mortality (A Postal Tale) I
Leo like Death worked as a 204B (Supervisor-In-Training), back
when I was pitching mail and trying to change the Postal World.
The veins in his forehead and neck could be seen from
Staten Island and resembled a detailed road map of the
stretch from Harrison to East Aurora NY, up Buffalo way.
Leo Like Death made an extra $6.38 an hour as a 204B,
so that he could have more, so that he could live faster
and therefore die sooner! If that weren’t enough, he
had just gotten married to his mail order bride from
an Asian Island Nation, who evidently had an uncanny sense
of timing and knew just when to return to the television
after the commercials and also knew when to sneak back
into the house after making extra money on her secret
part-time job.
II
Leo Like Death-the color of a boil getting lanced;
but Mrs Mail Order doesn’t care as she treats her puss
colored prince like an incontinent cash machine with a
terminal illness, apparently waiting for Leo to do what
comes naturally; to my knowledge, she has never bought
him any green bananas. Leo Like Death is in the process
of violating Article 13 of the Collective Bargaining
Agreement by working feverishly on Junk Mail (but you’re
not supposed to call it that), and therefore depriving a
Bargaining unit, non supervisory worker of a gainful
employment opportunity so that Leo the 204B, could make
himself and his bosses look good. I would have done
the Step 1 grievance but was unable to obtain any time off
of the workroom floor in order to do my Shop Steward duties.
III.
It did not matter however, as the grievance was resolved
when the daytime Shop Steward found Lifeless Leo headfirst
in a sack at the Bulk Mail Rack; he damn near got
dispatched to the DVD facility with the daily BBM
(Big Bowel Movement?), third class mail. As I ponder my
own mortality from the leprosy colored Lifeless Leo,
(after he did what comes naturally), who taught me
life’s three greatest lessons;
1 GET YOURSELF A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE (preferably from
an unpronouncable country) PRONTO!
2. DON’T EVER VIOLATE THE CBA SINCE GOD IS OBVIOUSLY
A HIGH RANKING UNION OFFICIAL;
3. DON’T BUY ANY GREEN BANANAS!
Leo did what comes naturally…RIP.
