December 30, 2013 – January 5, 2014: Paul Strohm and Richard Lynch

Why I Am Afraid

Why I am afraid. It’s a facade of commonsense. Look up American!
There are black birds in the sky. There are foreign agents in our schools.
The dead are rising from their graves. Churches are being overcrowded.
In the midwest floods and droughts are wrecking havoc on our farms.
They are pouring fluorine into our water supply. Squirrels are flying.
Look up American! The streets are filled with big round potholes.
Everyone is standing in long lines on Black Fridays. No one can hum.
Houses are sinking into the ground. Museums exhibit urine painted murals.
Dogs are going bark less. Short haired pussies are calling us bad names.
Mothers can’t produce milk for their cheap lunch kids. A line is crossed.
Everywhere the darkness grows. India is making a mess of the telephone.
Sophisticates are whining. Look up American! Peanuts are not permitted.
You can’t find a good used car. Priests are demanding we trust them again.
Colleges are warning students about the danger of fire. Nothing is free.
Libraries are closing. Printed books are being shelved in landfills.
Asparagus, celery and peas are no longer on the menu. Fish is now queer.
Television ratings are dropping. A fuck seems less of a choice. OMG!
Boys are playing quoits in the back room of bars. Look up American!
The sky is falling. Mushrooms are harder to eat. Beer tastes like Chilean wine.
Toilets are leaking. Pavements are chalked. Cities have no tennis courts.
Our dollars are being devalued. Our pennies are falling into sewer drains.
Chickens are harassed crossing the road. Holidays are being assimilated.
Our dirty little secrets have become minor feuds. Chocolate is erroneous.
Look up American! Teens are twerking their research papers. Rain is less.
Yakkers and tweeters and braggers are stealing Walmart’s shopping carts.
Dying divas get inaccurate news coverage. Easter bunnies forego white eggs.
Howard the Duck is the sexist man alive. God is not there to care for us.
The NFL reeks of petrifying medusas. Who can pronounce Grande Illusion.
Our avant-rock is deconstructing. Our repertoires are wearing scanty pants.
Wandering off the track is no longer dangerous. Look up American!

Elephant Octopus
[A Recipe and Observations]

Ingredients:

1 Elephant
1 Dinghy
1 Oar
Pringles (enough to cover an elephant)
Plenty of water
1 Song

Observation: It is not well known but kneading an elephant into an octopus can lead to prayer.

1. Gather your ingredients into the dinghy.

Observation: At the beginning of the process of raising* an elephant-octopus, one needs vision to see their elephant as an octopus. Tusks act like tentacle starter for the mind. They will soften during kneading, while the mind should stay sharp. Keep in mind that trunk + tail + legs + tusks = 8, so there’s that…

*Raising has become the accepted term for elephant-octopus divination.

2. Row out to calm deep waters of a large body of water. An ocean is best, but other bodies of water of significant size will do. Water with salt is preferred. Water with spice is not.

Observation: Neighborhood may also be important. For example, water that is a little warm because of the heat of the nuclear reactor that it cools may not be an optimal choice. Stunt octopussing, such as in purposely attempting an elephant octopus in the bermuda triangle, is for advanced divinators who probably don’t need a recipe. Water with sharks, excessive cnidaria, oil spills or otherwise unbalanced ecosystems will propose challenges.

3. Submerge the elephant.

Observation: It is not clear why some would choose to slide down an elephant, but it happens. Post a sign that says "sliding down your elephant is prohibited" if you are concerned. Sliding down the elephant creates undesired associations, such as with pools and water parks, that may encourage the growth of hair in popular styles.

4. Gently steep for several minutes, or it may become bitter.

Observation: Some pessimism is expected, but if the elephant octopus disassociates from friends and is found with hidden bottles of rum, steeping is too aggressive. On the other hand, if the elephant octopus cries during steeping, do not wipe its tears. The sadness is often part of the process.

5. When the elephant’s skin begins to prune, the steeping phase will be near completion. Do not mistake wrinkles for pruning. Those with landscaping instincts beware: Shears should be avoided. Without removing the elephant from the water, begin kneading by placing only fingers on the cranium, and push downward firmly toward the trunk with short strokes. Thumbs may bring out the squid in your elephant rather than the desired octopusification, so avoid thumbing. Sing one song while continuing to knead.

Observation: Sing in a way that the song can be used again: you will need it. In the case that the song selected is Dry Bones, "The arm bone connected to the head bone" is a valid verse, at least until the bones are gone. Oh hear the word of the lord. Spitting during the octopus divination is not recommended. In fact, all bodily fluids should be carefully monitored. Covering the mouth when talking will reduce spittle, but may enhance a general perception of a need for secrecy, which may raise a variety of behaviors. For example, the elephant octopus may, at this point, develop an inexplicable obsession with learning to drive. During kneading the elephant octopus may exhibit signs of fall, such as apples ripening on its limbs. These apples are a bonus and can be harvested. The ripeness of the apples can be influenced by shouting: Scream once for empire, twice for golden delicious and three times for well done.

6. Upon cessation of singing, it is time to Pringle. Dip Pringles in water, one at a time, until flaccid. Place flaccid Pringles on areas of the elephant previously kneaded. Do not overlap; resist repetition.

Observation: Kneading can be a grueling process. Elephants are, after all, big. Do not use other brands of pre-formed chips. It is a little-know fact that Pringle salting is based on ocean salt water volume. If possible, lighting should remain constant. A large diffuser can be a godsend. Repositioning the elephant octopus may be required during Pringling, but try to avoid floaties.

7. Continue kneading and Pringling in sections.

Observation: If the Elephant Octopus begins writing letters to dead relatives, it is a sign of pre-mature entangulation, which generally happens in nets. Do not allow drivers to pass on the right. Sources of evil may be applied with varied success during the kneading process… Incense will prove to be more soothing, but substantially more difficult to control. You’ll take me word for that, I hope. "Eviling" will promote the octopus’ propensity to sink ships. Add evil as necessary, but add evil evenly and with as little as possible to achieve the desired result. Better a little too little evil than a little too much.

8. Once tentacles are achieved, kneading is complete.

Observation: Over-kneading may lead to ctenophoring, which is ultimately disappointing. If any portion of the elephant octopussing begins to become transparent, sing again. It should be OK to use the same song, unless you have already over-sang it. Song substitution should be approached with caution; maintaining the mood will affect your outcome. If your elephant octopus has not come out as expected, you will need a new elephant. Backing out of the process is nearly impossible and requires immediate attention of a desert and sufficient postage.

There is some debate as to whether additional steps are necessary. A laissez faire approach to further raising may be adopted, but certainly addressing the legality of change in physical form may be required (check with your local government for specific restrictions).